20 Reflections for Reversers Moving to the Philippines

It'll be six years, shortly, since we moved here and thought be good to look back and see what I've learned.  It's no means a comprehensive look at what it takes for Filipinos coming back (“reversers” for reverse immigrants), but, it's a start. inos coming back 

1.      “When in Rome….”:  A cliché, yes, but critical.  Few months in and I’d banged on the trunk of a taxi who I thought violated my space when I was ignored at a pedestrian crossing. 

He stopped and I was itching for a fight.  Fortunately (for me), he drove off.  Eventually, got the hang that these traffic lanes are mere suggestions.  Live with it. 

2.      “United we stand, divide….”:  Don’t ever divide the price.  Yes, things were much cheaper where you came from, but, you’re not going to let yourself forever be consumed with guilt knowing that, “In Iowa, that only cost….,” right?

3.      It’s all relative.  To borrow an explanation of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity:  “Become a genius, have stupid friends.”  

We may not have a properly functioning government, wonderful roads and groceries stocked with 15 brands of the same item, but, really is traffic, pollution and sticky weather so much better than being lonely and being on anti-depressants?


Capturing Grannie’s Happy Moments (Baguio City, Philippines, 2013) 
www.seameo-innotech.org 

4.      Do a regular Pros and Cons:  Keep that in mind and, even better, write it down from time to time.    

5.      Don’t be cynical:  Have an open heart and mind.  Yes, things will start to annoy you, but,….

6.      Be spiritual:  There’s a reason why you were born here, been abroad and now back here.  There truly is.  Find out why. 

7.      It’s all about relationships here:  The cliché – another one – about it being about the people is just simply true.  In line with this, it’s a more enjoyable experience if you’re more of a giver than a taker. 

8.      Life’s a grand adventure.  Living here is the greatest of all. 

9.      Self-Realization:  Realize you’ll get to know yourself more. 

10.    It’s a “Third Metric” type of country.  You’ve come back because you want to make a ton of moollah?  You’ll be disappointed.  If you want that, the formula is this:  Celebrity > City Councilor > Congress > Senate.

Happiness, here, is this:  Family, friends, caring, sharing and loving.  Problem with that?  Stay where you belong.      

11.  There’ll be some bad and some great.  Key is to spot them and see what they mean for you 20 years down the road. 

12.  Do volunteer work.  Silver lining to living among the impoverished:  Gives you something to do of meaning.  

13.  Working with househelp is one of the more challenging and rewarding things here.  My grandfather’s adage:  If they were smarter, you’d be working for them. 

Yes, you’ll give them a two-part dissertation on the evils of real estate tax but, more importantly, they’ll teach you patience and empathy. 

14.  Utang, utang, utang…..

15.  Most of the people here are not as bright as you.  Be patient, your heart’s not as big as theirs (yet). 

16.  Self-Reflect often and be grateful for what you have right now. 

17.  Follow your passion.  Tips: Hold off on getting into something right away.  Study the terrain.  Find out what's in your heart first. 

18.  A postpaid plan is better.

19.  Empathy is one of the most important words you will learn / be re-acquainted with.

20.  The great divide.  In the US, I’d noticed, it was racial.  In Europe, ideological (Left and Right) and in the Philippines, it’s the Great Class Divide.  Almost everything that happens here stems from that.

There are, thus, cultural sensitivities that take time understanding and getting used to.  There are just some questions not asked nor comments made.  It’s too vast and complex to tackle on a list like this.

Written March 26, 2015

Of a Crying Girl, a Father and Daughter and a Knife and of Being Mindful and Ethical

Kindly allow me to recount a couple of stories:  Kelly, my wife, had noticed a little girl of about four who was crying and crying at the picnic party last Tuesday for a nephew, León.  She'd not been part of the celebration and just wandered in together with the yaya to play with the giant slide that had been set up for the event.  

Kelly asked around and was told by León's yaya, Lyn, that she observed that the little girl's own yaya, who was on the cellphone, pushed her aside and kept on pinching her on her side near the armpit.  

Kelly noticed that the girl seemed to be with a sister from Kara's school and so asked Kara to get her name.  

The following day, Kelly intimated how she'd a hard time going to sleep with the cries of the girl fresh in her mind.  Kara, though, initially protested to our bringing word to the parents about what happened concerned that it may not have been true.  

I went ahead and gave the "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing" speech and shared with her a story that has helped drive my life so far:

It had been a late evening around 1993 when while driving our trusty Daihatsu van I'd noticed at a dark side of Santolan Road a father and daughter seemingly being accosted by a man who had what appeared to be a knife.

  

In what still bugs me to this day, I just drove past them - rationalizing , perhaps, that it may have been too dangerous or that it may just have been "nothing."  

Whatever it is that I told myself that instant, I just drove off.  

It is something that I carry with a little guilt in a tiny corner of my heart and, thus, since have tried to make sure that am not part of the "good men who do nothing" group.   

Or, that night, was I just too engrossed with my destination - I don't even remember anymore where I was going then - that I downplayed something that'd have delayed me?  

In a 1973 study designed to understand compassion, psychologists found out that 90% of us rush by a person in distress if told that we're late for an appointment. In contrast, it had been found that a group of seminarians enlisted for this research and believed had plenty of time stopped and offered aid

A recent LA Times article shared that the finding in the research was so consistent they'd concluded that "ethics becomes a luxury as the speed of our daily lives increases."  

It's a fascinating piece on how - with all the distractions we now have - it's becoming increasing difficult to live in the moment....of being mindful of the now.  Of how "compulsive busy-ness, or 'active laziness' has become a curse."   

It's something that the Pope touched on recently when he'd admonished those who "limit themselves to bureaucratic work, losing contact with reality and concrete people."

Am not quite sure what happened to that father and daughter I saw on that fateful night, but, I do know we've gone ahead and sent word out to the parents of the little girl through the school.  Will keep you posted how that goes.  

Written March 1, 2015

"I Was a Teenage Cannibal," Lance Armstrong and "Lyin' Brian"

Story time:  A few  decades back a small private plane carrying an adventurous heiress of a giant American food processing corporation and her one year old son crash landed on an island of cannibals in the Caribbean.  The woman and the pilots promptly became dinner for the locals.  

Immediately, however, they took a liking to the strange "white as a mid-day sun" baby and decided to keep and raise him as their own.....as a cannibal.

  

The distraught father undertook a 17 year quest to look for them with DNA testing finally confirming that that strange, bedraggled teenager in the midst of a tribe was indeed his son.  After much negotiations with the elders, he was able to take him back to the family mansion in Pennsylvania.  

An extensive program to acclimate him to civilization soon followed including a barrage of attention from psychiatrists, doctors, linguists and anthropologists.  No one, however, could get him to eat the food that modern society served:  Pig, beef, fish, turkey, etc.  

In exasperation, the father prepared a huge feast put together by not just a few of the world's top chefs - in the belief (apparently, he, a fan of Vegas-style buffet) that given the choices exhibited before him he would finally give in. 

It was an evening, of course, that quickly fell into the disappointment category. 

"Richard, you've the world's greatest collection of food right in front of you, why is it that you refuse to even take a look at it?," the father wailed.  Visibly annoyed, he continued, "What is it you really want to eat?"

"You," said the teenager. 

This past week saw us learn a bit more about the disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong.  He, of course, is the seven time Tour de France champ who eventually got his titles stripped because of cheating - using illegal performance enhancing substances.  

He'd a wonderful story - a cancer survivor, putting up a foundation for survivors of the disease - but, had kept the secret of his cheating through several years of court battles.  With surmounting evidence against him, he'd finally fessed up in 2013.  

Was he remorseful?  An interview last month seems to indicate he isn't, "If you take me back to 1995, when doping was completely pervasive, I would probably do it again."  This on top of an incident last December where he had wrecked two parked vehicles with his SUV and had his girlfriend take the blame for it.  

Pity the person, huh, who can't help himself because it's in his nature?

This also bring us to the story of NBC News anchor Brian Williams who just this evening had to take a leave after it surfaced that stories he has continued to tell - being in a helicopter that was shot down in Iraq and exaggerated reporting during Katrina - are turning out to be false. 

It's now coming to light that, apparently, his proclivity for lying is an open secret and had been allowed to go on by his superiors.  

Pity the person, huh, who has no one to tell him the truth about his nature? 

Written February 8, 2015 

Of Indizh, Canyon Cove and the Deaths of Crosby and Botak

As I may have recounted to some of you, I’d an extremely bizarre incident some time back while trying to book a room at Canyon Cove for my cousin Marga’s wedding. 

After repeated attempts to have them reach out to me, in exasperation, I’d blurted out to an agent, “How would you feel if you were in my shoes?”  Big mistake to ask someone who’s been trained to just be a drone – no feelings and mechanical. 

The conversation – in various avenues of the same theme – went on for about 20 minutes with her just saying that she’ll try to find out what happened and will get back to me. 

“I don’t care about what you’re going to do,” I kept repeating, “I just want you to tell me what you would feel if you were in my situation.” 

“I’m sorry, po, but I can’t,” was the automatic reply. 

Filipinos are possibly the warmest and most hospitable people in the world.  It’s what really makes me call this place “home.”  Given the wrong guidance and culture, however, they can be exasperating.  Key, I suppose is to bring out our strengths and capitalize on them.  Something Canyon Cove, obviously, didn’t do. 

I'd understood everything clearly when we finally stayed at the resort and actually felt bad I'd demanded so much from the person I'd spoken to.  After all, it was a place that was utilitarian, not too well kept and had that "pwede na" feel to it.  She was primarily echoing this culture.  

People who really know me are aware of my extreme nationalism – I’m not too happy when I’ve to eat at a restaurant that’s foreign and, for the longest time held, off on buying a pair of rubber shoes because I’d the belief there’s a local brand (even took a trip to Marikina). 

I've come up with a term - "indizh" - a play on the word indigenous - to describe homegrown companies that I'd rather patronize.  So, yeah, please, don't come running to invite me to the opening of that new Pink's Hotdogs.  I'm fine with my Manang's Chicken, thank you.   

Reasons for this include the practical:  I'd rather that the money made by an establishment stay in the country rather than go to that shareholder living in that four bed / five car McMansion in that tony Idaho suburb. 

So, in my long quest for that pair (I can actually share with you the state of my old one - which literally fell apart), I came to the realization that brands I knew growing up - Crosby and Botak - no longer exist.  Was it, perhaps, our inability to innovate that brought about this?  

Our, yes, culture that allows us to fall into that "pwede na" category?  Perhaps it was that and not the Ice Age that killed the dinosaurs, right?

Written January 31, 2015  

Of Mystery Manila, Shake Shack and Making Manny Poor

Checked out Mystery Manila with the kids over the break and it's highly, highly recommended.  To the uninitiated, it's a "live escape room game" where a group of friends and family have 60 minutes to figure out clues in order to get out "alive" and win some minor prizes - shirts, pens, stickers.  It's fun, but, quite intellectually taxing.  

Actually, it would have been a much greater experience had our guide been more involved and not so bored.  I understand we'd probably been his umpteenth guests, but, still.....

As it was, we were scratching ourselves trying to figure some of the things he was saying.  It'd seemed he'd lost the raison d'etre for the whole enterprise:  To have fun. 

I'd dare imagine if it had been run by Disney or Chili's, instead.  

Or, a company called Shake Shack.  Shake Shack is a wildly successful burger joint that is going public in a few and one factor in its phenomenal growth (from $21 Million in sales 2010 to $140M in three years) has been its model of paying higher than the average to its employees.  Their filing with the SEC stated that doing so attracts "...higher caliber employee(s) and this translates directly to better guest service." 

Making Manny Poor  

Along that line, we've a game here at home we've come to call "Make Manny Poor."  "Manny" is Manny Pangilininan - all around rich guy and who's responsible for our water, electricity and phone - and the formula is this:  We've set our general electric consumption at P5,500.00 a month and water at P1,000.00.

Should we hit less than those amounts, the kids get 80% and the helpers 20% of the difference.   

We've been at it for five months and is it successful?  Mildly, I would think.  The lights still do get left on and showers taken a little longer than necessary, but, there's a slight improvement in the bills I've noticed.  I suppose in the long run kids will finally figure out the value they gain in this exercise.  

There is, after all, some value I think when all stakeholders involved in an organization are made to feel important.  The least, I think, would be great customer service. 

Written January 4, 2015 

Of James Spader, Failure and Farrah Fawcett 'do

My cousin, Jo Cacho, actually sent out a great piece - that I'll be sharing more of shortly - that reminded me of a scene from a 1985 James Spader film that I caught a few nights ago.  Yup, been on a nostalgia trip lately - my fave radio station is Retro 105.9 (the name says it all) and my line up for films to check out on YouTube feature men with mullets and women with big hair.  Yup, time for me to take out my Spraynet. 

 

On the side:  I don't know what it is about looking back and reminiscing - I suppose it's a throwback to one's simpler life of being young and carefree.  Don't get me wrong, I've repeated it a million times now I'm having the best time of my life and so, no, I'm not dreaming about going back to a time when I was awkward, pimpled and looked like I really belonged in a UNICEF poster for Africa.  

Getting back:  There'd been a conversation between Spader's character and his father as he'd been a troublemaker and was now adjusting to a new high school.  Another misstep led him to question things - this is when the Dad uttered lines that made my laboring through a lot of really lousy movies (almost) worth it:

"I expect you to make mistakes.  That's what life is all about, for God's sake.  How else are you gonna learn who you are and what you believe in?  Look, son, life isn't a problem to be solved, it's a mystery to be lived.  So live it."

                                                         From "Tuff Turf"  

                                                                                                                 

As mentioned, Jo sent a piece by a well-known life coach named Martha Beck and in it she talks about how failure is what is actually needed for one to be a better person.  It's a must-read (unlike "Tuff Turf") and you can check it here.  

 

Indeed, I'd never get the chance to enjoy this "best time of my life" had I not failed in the US - gulp, it sends shivers up my spine just thinking about how much more "successful" I could have been over there.

An employee of ours had been let go during a downsizing period as members of the team had been unhappy about his whining ways - he'd get the job done quite well, yes, but it'd been always with a dollop of vinegar.  The others had tired of him and got him out a la "Survivor."  

He'd enjoyed the time away for a while - eventually making almost three times more - but, finally reached a difficult period including the hospitalization of his wife.  An opening left the door open for his return, after a year, and a six hour ride with him Thursday produced this gem - corroborated by his colleagues:

"Salamat sa pagbalik ko at ngayon alam ko na kung paano ako dati.  Dati talaga masungit ako kaya ngayon talagang bantay ko na ang ugali ko.......Di talaga tungkol sa pera ang lahat."   

I suppose one just has to be philosophical about things and figure out that there really must be a reason for everything - including failure.

November 15, 2014  

Einstein and the Theory of Relativity

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity." - Albert Einstein

We'd been without a helper for a month.....and it felt like a decade.  In essence, this piece is about this:  Your views....perspective on things are shaped by your experiences....in comparison to what's around you.  

To that salaryman, for example, living in Yuzawa, Japan, having a helper is just the way it is and doesn't think much of it.

Another way to look at it is this:  A person in Peshawar feels he's poor because he hasn't been able to eat in three days....while a person in Fayette, Mississippi feels exactly the same because he doesn't have enough to pay for his cable bill.  

Closer to home, I'd shared among some of you what I'd heard during a recent barangay meeting in our village about the opening up of a new gate leading to the outside - to ease the horrible traffic congestion during rush hour.  Here are gems:

- From a retired, chauffer-driven woman who, obviously, doesn't go out much: "I don't understand what this is all about.  There's no traffic...."  Like I said, "views...perspectives....shaped by experiences."  

- Another beauty:  "You know, the other barangay administration was better. They didn't do anything - so, they were not corrupt."  I don't even know how to comment on such a self-defeating statement.

To the younger, working people in the crowd, the gates had to be opened.....while the retired ones who had nothing to do wanted the status quo.  

I think one of the more revolutionary insights I've learned is the idea of things being all relative.  It's what's made me sensitive to what I say and do - witness Binay claiming to be poor...."Yes, Jej, I'm sure you're poorer than the politicians attacking you, but, please compare yourself to the 99.9% of us." 

Written November 9, 2014 

When I Own a Hummer and Because You Can....

Sometimes these emails are hard to write and some are just gifts from God.  Thank goodness for some people on this earth, consider this piece manna.   

Last week saw me witness an elderly foreigner rebuke a bank teller for her having been asked to move from the preferred lane to another.  It was all a misunderstanding really - prompted by Filipinos not being clear in their instructions - but, it was in his reaction that I was appalled.  

He'd obviously felt slighted - "I'm a preferred client!" - and protested in a rather loud manner.  I was reeeaaally tempted to give him my caring advise, but, decided to withhold and instead left a note addressed to him..."I wish you'd done so in a loving manner.....Filipinos have yet to learn the fine art of excellent customer service, but, they're the nicest people....I've learned that when in Rome, do as the Romans do...."  Yup, funny stuff.  

This exchange was reminiscent of another I was a spectator to - a man berating personnel at Toyota for their slow service.  Again, he may have been right, but, it was the manner that caught my attention - loud and insulting.  

"Mando" is a term used by Filipinos and has its Spanish origin of "control."  It's a direct descendant of our feudal past that those in "power" - the rich and famous and those who look rich and famous - are given the free rein to do what they want - like it's their inherent right.....witness politicians, for example.   

Sometimes it's obvious - the above stories - and most of the time it's subtle...."sir, ma'am, po, opo..."

It's a universal phenom, too, don't worry as an ongoing behavioral experiment at UC Berkeley showed these highlights:

- A rigged game of Monopoly showed that the person "destined" to win became louder, more demonstrative and even consumed more of the chips that were on the table.  

- People driving more expensive cars generally ignored people at pedestrian lanes.

A piece written about the study concluded that "wealth and status seemed to increase one's sense of entitlement (and more likely to prioritize self-interest over the interest of others) while simultaneously decreasing one's empathy and concern for others."   

Fyi, a fascinating 16 minute talk by one of the researchers is on TedTalks - it's a must watch and is here. 

With the oh so subservient masses here, it's oh so easy for things to get to your head.  I can see that it's easy to act like a jerk....because one, simply, can.  

I guess the key is to know now what kind of person you'll be once you've become a deliriously wealthy individual.  The world, too, is filled with philanthropists - Bill Gates and Warren Buffet are the famous ones - who don't let what they have go to their head.     

I suppose one day I'll own a Hummer (ahhh, probably not), but, I'll sure hope to keep in mind to still stop at crosswalks and should I forget?  Please remind me what a jerk I've become.  I'll thank you for it.

Written October 12, 2014  

The Road Not Taken

My Dad once asked a Filipino BPO exec why Indians were more successful (at that time) than Filipinos as far as outsourcing is concerned.  His reply?  He'd noticed that during tradeshows, the Indians would go around and press the flesh while the Pinoys were just hanging out at their booths.  

That anecdote reminded me of something that happened recently.  You see, I've been lobbying to get young adult (YA) literature made by Filipinos out there.  Infamously, my kids are voracious readers and it'd pain me seeing them not working on books put out by local writers.  

Why can't they be reading stories about kids their age through the eyes of the Filipino - why not our own Harry Potter, for example?  

On the side:  The number one overall best-seller at Fully Booked are children's books (no need for a Harvard study to figure this out:  they've the time, energy and their parents' money) and, yet, the all-time top local title is a non-fiction on the justice system.

Obviously, the publishers are not doing their homework, right?  

Getting back:  My aforementioned lobbying got me into a conversation with an upstart publisher and I'd convinced him enough that he asked for authors I could recommend.  I'd recalled one I'd written to and thought I'd hook up again and I'll share here a bit of our exchange:

Jay:  Hi, I'd pushed an upstart publisher to check into coming up with YA books and he seemed interested and he'd asked if I knew of any authors he can speak with about it.

I understand it's not your genre, but, hey thought you'd at least be interested to find out about it.  I've read a bit of what you do and it seems to me there's something there that could fill that niche. 

Author:  Thank you for thinking of me, but I'll pass for now.  Will keep this in mind though!

My initial thought:  If I'd asked JK Rowling the same question 19 years ago, am sure she'd not have said, "I'll pass for now." 

 

The difference, I think, is this:  Ms. Rowling was a divorced mother to a very young child and was very, very poor - she's described her economic status as being "poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless."

Of course, it's more complicated than that - a mixture of socio-economic reasons - but, I do know it's become inherent in the nature of other cultures to go and seize opportunities and be trailblazers.   

I'm reminded of that Robert Frost poem Kara picked out for an assignment: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. 

At this point, we say goodbye to Lincoln who, himself, took the difficult road to keep the US united:

XIV.  Influence People Through Conversation and Storytelling

- Speak in simple and familiar strains with people, without any pretension of superiority.  Leave people with the feeling that they've known you all their lives.  

- Don't forget that humor is a major component of your ability to persuade people.  

- Remember that people are more easily influenced through the medium of a broad and humorous illustration than in any other way.  

- You will often avoid a long and useless discussion by others or a laborious explanation on your own part by a short story that illustrates your point of view. 

Written October 5, 2014

Giving the Secret to Getting Ahead?

There's a very long piece from the NY Times (here if you're really interested) and the gist of it is that research has shown that sharing one's self towards altruistic goals - helping colleagues, mentoring, giving, caring etc. - actually nets positive results.  

It's a mixture of making yourself feel good and people wanting to deal with you - business-wise, at work - because of them actually liking you.

Some successful brands - The Body Shop, Human Nature, Toms come to mind - have, in fact, made benevolence part of their DNA.  

I'd reflected on that and realized two very recent examples:

- Our partnership with the cosmetics brand Ellana had started out on the basis of my Dad, Diego - my brother - and I wanting to just help out on some concerns Theresa, the owner, had with her business.  It had eventually turned into several sessions and into the realization that she'd a strong business with great potential and was someone we'd like to work with.  

 

- I'd gotten to know Fanny, our HR Head for our HR resources firm, as someone we'd contacted, through my brother, as the headhunter for a position we were trying to fill.  It had been a long process and through it had gotten to know her - solely by phone.  Towards the end, she'd shared her recent resignation after an arduous experience.  I'd offered to meet for lunch to offer support and encouragement.  

The scheduled one hour lunch stretched and with us hitting it off - reaching the conclusion she'd be perfect for us.  

It was no surprise, therefore, that her reply to my asking her recently what she thinks her reason for existence is was "to help others."

It'd reminded me of that line I'd shared a few posts back:  "Discover gifts, passions and purpose in life so you can help others  Happiness comes as a result."

And now, a few more leadership pointers from Lincoln:

XIII.  Encourage Innovation

- Don't lose confidence in your people when they fail. 

- Let your subordinates know that you are always glad to have their suggestions.  

- If you never try, you'll never succeed.

- Remember that the best leaders never stop learning.  

Written September 28, 2014